With so many young kids becoming billionaires overnight in Silicon Valley, you might be thinking how you too can cash in. The chances are that you will fail, because you do not know the secrets to becoming a Palo Alto billionaire. If you want to have any hope with your new “app” company, you have to reboot your morals.
Well, you are in luck. We happen to have seen the secret playbook that is circulated around amongst the tech VCs. These are golden. Here they are:
- First and foremost, your business is all about taking over the world. The existing world is stupid and full of suckers. They deserve to have their personal information stolen and resold, etc.
- You the founder are the brightest person in the world. College was beneath you.
- Normal business conventions, such making money for shareholders, do not apply to you, because you are so special. You are a true gift from god. Steve Jobs was overrated. You have the real stuff.
- Because you are the Messiah, you are allowed to spend lavishly at work on job perks, such as free food, valet laundry, babysitting, and keg parties, all paid for by the people’s money (i.e. VC money that comes from pension funds). The regular folk owe it to you.
- You deserve privacy. Your own information, such as your home image on Google Street view, or your credit history, are not found on the Internet. However, the masses do not deserve such privacy.
- Because you drive an electric car and promote their use worldwide, it deserves you the right to drive a combustion engine SUV or Ferrari.
- You do not have to send your kids to public schools since you promote the power of public. education in your books. You are allowed a waiver to send your own children to $35,000 private schools.
- Behind the scenes, you work with the CIA and NSA to overthrow governments.
- Curing global disease is within your grasp. You will see no results, but that is because the world uses the wrong metrics, such as silly measures of reduction in malaria or disease.
- You can cure all that ails American society, just as an afterthought or hobby. Even though you are 30-somehting and have no college degree, you can still fix pay inequality between the sexes, immigration, and racism. All the while, you are allowed to employ mostly white males. Again, the rules do not apply to you.
- You can donate billions to philanthropies, and no see any real reduction in your personal wealth. You do this by donating shares in your company, then turning around and granting more to yourself, thereby diluting the others who buy your pricey stock. (You can even issue press releases that you gave it all away, like Warren Buffet and Bill Gates, and yet you will still be worth $40 Billion).
- Last but not least, you will never fail. You just get “AquiHired” by another tech company.
If you follow these basic tenets, you will be richly rewarded. Now, go get em Tiger. It’s your world.